Found the article below in our "library" of articles on the FamilyLife website. It was very thought-provoking for me so would love to share it. Let me know what you think and how God used it to affect your marriage relationship? Article by Dave Boehi
What if your teenager asked you one day, “What can I do to help?”
Probably two things would happen. First, you’d be stunned and shocked at the collapse of everything you know to be true in this world: Did those words actually come from my child’s mouth? Second, you’d probably wonder what angle your child is trying to play: What does he want from me?
OK, perhaps that scenario seems impossible … so let’s bring this into the realm of marriage. What if your spouse asked you, “What can I do to help?” What if you both adopted this type of servant attitude on a regular basis? What impact would that have on your marriage?
Before I go too far, I need to credit Andy Stanley, pastor of North Point Community Church in Alpharetta, Georgia, for the thoughts in this column. Recently my wife, Merry, and I attended a Catalyst One Day conference on leadership, and in one of Stanley’s messages he challenged us to begin asking this same question to the people who report to us: “What can I do to help?” When a leader seeks to serve, it can revolutionize the culture of a church, an organization, a company.
Then, as we were driving home, we listened to a recent sermon where Stanley applied this same theme to family relationships. He started by discussing Ephesians 5:21, which states that one of the fruits of being filled with the Spirit is “submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.”
This attitude of submitting to one another “should be the hallmark, the driving force behind Christian families,” Stanley says. Each person in the family is committed to “leverage my assets, my time, and my power for your benefit.”
We do this “out of reverence for Christ.” This is the Christ who set the example of submitting His desires and will in order to serve us and to fulfill God’s will. This is the Christ who “came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many” (Matthew 20:28).
Think about that for a moment. Jesus, the Son of God, did not come to earth so that people could serve Him. Instead, he came to serve others. An overall attitude of selflessness
This attitude of submission detailed in Ephesians 5:21 sets a clear context for the familiar verses that follow:
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. (Ephesians 5:22-25)
This is undoubtedly one of the most difficult and misunderstood passages of the Bible. But notice how the theme of “submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ” runs through it. Wives submit to their husbands as the church does to Christ. And husbands, given the responsibility to lead in a marriage, are to love their wives “as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”
We each have different roles in marriage, but as we work out these roles the overall attitude is one of selflessness—of regarding others as more important than ourselves, just as Christ did for us (Philippians 2:1-11). That’s why I like this question, “What can I do to help?” It’s a very practical way to reach out and meet the needs of your spouse.
To some of you, the thought of asking that question may seem a bit scary. You don’t know how your spouse will answer. Or you realize that helping your spouse may mean sacrifice on your part. Setting aside your agenda so that you can meet your spouse’s needs.
I learned this lesson a few years ago when Merry and our daughter, Bethany, returned home from shopping. They had purchased some new drapes for our dining room, but I was doing something else (probably something really important, like watching a football game on television), and I figured I would hang the drapes some other time when I felt like it. Perhaps the next weekend.
Then Bethany approached me and said, “You know, Mom is really excited about these drapes. Don’t you think you could go ahead and put them up tonight? It would mean a lot to her.” Somehow her words pierced my fog of selfishness and moved me to action. I realized I needed to help and bless my wife.
We face choices like these on a daily basis. Am I going to plan my time around my needs, or around the needs of others? Am I going to serve others or try to force them to serve me? Imagine what would happen in your marriage if you asked, regularly, “What can I do to help?” And then imagine the example it would set for your children. It might even rub off on your teenagers.
© 2012 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.
http://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/marriage/staying-married/gods-plan-for-marriage/a-simple-question-that-will-change-your-marriage-and-family
Showing posts with label Marriage/Family Helps. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Marriage/Family Helps. Show all posts
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Friday, April 12, 2013
Helping Your Teen Deal with Divorce - Mark Gregston Post
For the past several years, I have been reading and listening to Mark Gregston - who heads up a ministry called Parenting Todays Teens (find our more at www.parentingtodaysteens.org). Thought this post was spot on to help those we know as they deal with the devasting effects of divorce. Hope you can use this in your own life or in the life of one you love!
I had a really good childhood until I was nine, then a classic case of divorce really affected me.” – Kurt Cobain
These days, divorce is more and more a common occurrence. A recent survey shows that 40 to 50 percent of marriages in the United States end in divorce. While broken marriages are painful for the spouses, a split impacts children to an even greater degree—especially if the kids are in the pre-teen or teen years. According to the National Health Interview Survey, children of divorce are at a greater risk for asthma, headaches, and speech defects. The Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry reports that teenagers in single parent or blended families are three times more likely to need psychological help. More studies have been done recently linking high rates of unwanted pregnancies, difficulty in school, and lower income potential for kids of broken homes. At our Heartlight teen counseling center, I have witnessed many issues stemming from the pain of seeing parents split up. Divorce brings with it many emotional, physical, and spiritual problems for teens and pre-teens alike.
I say this not to guilt or embarrass parents who have gone through a divorce, but to make mom and dads aware of the vital importance of helping teens deal with a separation. Sadly, there is no real way to fix the problems that divorce can bring into a child’s life. But there are ways to guide them through a very painful and confusing experience.
Don’t Let Them Isolate
It’s painful to watch as parents go their own separate ways. And when parents remarry, it can push teens further out of touch with their families. Kids dealing with divorce tell me that they feel betrayed when their parents move on. And these feelings of isolation and abandonment will often be expressed through rebellion, self-harm, depression or promiscuity. Teens will try to seek a sense of “family” elsewhere, either from a boyfriend or girlfriend, or from the wrong type of peer group.
It is extremely important that as parents you make every effort to help your teen feel included and remembered. Communicate clearly through words and actions that you value their time and presence in your life. Also, refrain from taking your teen’s heritage or childhood away by hiding it. A divorce can strip kids of the memories of a happy childhood, as they question whether it wasn’t just a fraud. Display pictures of you and your teen around your home, and get out the old videos, even though it will be hard for you to see you and your former spouse in them. Talk to your teen about the good times you had as a family, how great it was the day they were born and the funny things they did as a toddler. This adds validity to their past and helps them understand that “family” is a good thing.
Claim Responsibility
When it’s appropriate, honestly admit your mistakes in regard to the marital split. It will be tempting to air the laundry list of your ex-spouse’s faults, but resist that urge. Teenagers are very good at deciphering who is responsible for what went wrong in the marriage, and they don’t need help seeing their parents with a critical eye. If a parent is willing to admit fault, it’s likely your teen will be more honest and take responsibility for their own mistakes, as well. This is a golden opportunity to open a dialogue for you both to work through the hurts and feelings of isolation together.
Don’t Turn Negative
To help our teens navigate the emotional obstacles of divorce, it is crucial to avoid negative comments about your former spouse and his or her new partner. I understand that this may be one of the most difficult things to do following a difficult divorce, especially when the hurts and aches are still fresh. In moments when you are tempted to let loose and give your child the low down on your ex, bite your tongue and pray for patience. I can tell you that the only person adversely affected by those biting comments about your ex-spouse is your teen. You don’t have to complement your former partner, but you shouldn’t tear them down in front of your child either.
Be There More
If you are the noncustodial parent in the divorce, your job will be a little harder. To help your child through this process, I recommend doubling your efforts to be there whenever you can for your teen. The amount of time you spend with your child instills a sense of value that no one else can give. If you only see them every other weekend, then ask for more time. When you have the opportunity, take your teen to lunch, grab a snack after school, attend every game or school event you can and communicate online. Send daily text messages or e-mails to say “Hi” or, “I love you.” If your child believes that you’re not interested in being involved in his or her life, they’ll seek validation from someone else, and that can lead to bigger problems.
Don’t Stop Being a Parent
You’ve probably witnessed other divorced parents changing their parenting behaviors as a way to get back at their ex. They might give their children unnecessary gifts or allow them abundant freedoms in order to win their love and favor. Don’t do this! When I hear comments like “Mom gives me money” or “Dad doesn’t make me do that” it’s a clear warning sign that a child is being pulled in two different directions. To avoid this back and forth battle, consensus and concessions need to be made between the parents. It’s difficult, no doubt, and it requires swallowing your pride. But continuing to parent together is the best thing for your teen. So meet up with your “ex” in a neutral public setting and hammer out your differences. Come up with a discipline plan for your kids that you can both agree on and stick to it. Agree on the rules, consequences, freedoms, and responsibilities for your teen. Don’t let your child be a casualty of a battle between spouses.
Work It Out
Divorce is a harsh reality of our culture. I understand that there are reasons and factors that force people to make tough decisions. While I would never condemn someone for getting divorced, I encourage anyone considering the possibility to think long and hard about the long-term consequences. A broken marriage never makes things easier. The excuse, “We’re doing it for the kids,” is simply not valid. Children want and need two parents. I don’t know your circumstances, but if it’s at all possible, stay married. Because God knows the pain and the sorrow that comes with a broken relationship, Malachi 2:16 tells us that He hates divorce. If you’re considering the option, talk with a marriage counselor or seek the help of godly friends and mentors you trust. Avoid divorce at all costs.
If it’s not possible to prevent a split-up, or if you’re already divorced, then it’s crucial to invest in the life of your teen more than ever, to guide them through this transition. With time and effort, both you and your teen will survive the break-up, and come out the other side.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, located in Hallsville, Texas. For more information and helpful resources for moms and dads, check out our website. It’s filled with ideas and tools to help you become a more effective parent. Go to www.heartlightministries.org. Or read other helpful articles by Mark, at www.markgregston.com. You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173. Hear the Parenting Today’s Teens broadcast on a radio station near you, or download the podcast at www.parentingtodaysteens.org. LINK TO POST: http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/2013/01/25/helping-your-teen-deal-with-divorce/?utm_source=feedblitz&utm_medium=FeedBlitzEmail&utm_content=207988&utm_campaign=On-Demand_2013-01-25%2016%3a04
I had a really good childhood until I was nine, then a classic case of divorce really affected me.” – Kurt Cobain
These days, divorce is more and more a common occurrence. A recent survey shows that 40 to 50 percent of marriages in the United States end in divorce. While broken marriages are painful for the spouses, a split impacts children to an even greater degree—especially if the kids are in the pre-teen or teen years. According to the National Health Interview Survey, children of divorce are at a greater risk for asthma, headaches, and speech defects. The Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry reports that teenagers in single parent or blended families are three times more likely to need psychological help. More studies have been done recently linking high rates of unwanted pregnancies, difficulty in school, and lower income potential for kids of broken homes. At our Heartlight teen counseling center, I have witnessed many issues stemming from the pain of seeing parents split up. Divorce brings with it many emotional, physical, and spiritual problems for teens and pre-teens alike.
I say this not to guilt or embarrass parents who have gone through a divorce, but to make mom and dads aware of the vital importance of helping teens deal with a separation. Sadly, there is no real way to fix the problems that divorce can bring into a child’s life. But there are ways to guide them through a very painful and confusing experience.
Don’t Let Them Isolate
It’s painful to watch as parents go their own separate ways. And when parents remarry, it can push teens further out of touch with their families. Kids dealing with divorce tell me that they feel betrayed when their parents move on. And these feelings of isolation and abandonment will often be expressed through rebellion, self-harm, depression or promiscuity. Teens will try to seek a sense of “family” elsewhere, either from a boyfriend or girlfriend, or from the wrong type of peer group.
It is extremely important that as parents you make every effort to help your teen feel included and remembered. Communicate clearly through words and actions that you value their time and presence in your life. Also, refrain from taking your teen’s heritage or childhood away by hiding it. A divorce can strip kids of the memories of a happy childhood, as they question whether it wasn’t just a fraud. Display pictures of you and your teen around your home, and get out the old videos, even though it will be hard for you to see you and your former spouse in them. Talk to your teen about the good times you had as a family, how great it was the day they were born and the funny things they did as a toddler. This adds validity to their past and helps them understand that “family” is a good thing.
Claim Responsibility
When it’s appropriate, honestly admit your mistakes in regard to the marital split. It will be tempting to air the laundry list of your ex-spouse’s faults, but resist that urge. Teenagers are very good at deciphering who is responsible for what went wrong in the marriage, and they don’t need help seeing their parents with a critical eye. If a parent is willing to admit fault, it’s likely your teen will be more honest and take responsibility for their own mistakes, as well. This is a golden opportunity to open a dialogue for you both to work through the hurts and feelings of isolation together.
Don’t Turn Negative
To help our teens navigate the emotional obstacles of divorce, it is crucial to avoid negative comments about your former spouse and his or her new partner. I understand that this may be one of the most difficult things to do following a difficult divorce, especially when the hurts and aches are still fresh. In moments when you are tempted to let loose and give your child the low down on your ex, bite your tongue and pray for patience. I can tell you that the only person adversely affected by those biting comments about your ex-spouse is your teen. You don’t have to complement your former partner, but you shouldn’t tear them down in front of your child either.
Be There More
If you are the noncustodial parent in the divorce, your job will be a little harder. To help your child through this process, I recommend doubling your efforts to be there whenever you can for your teen. The amount of time you spend with your child instills a sense of value that no one else can give. If you only see them every other weekend, then ask for more time. When you have the opportunity, take your teen to lunch, grab a snack after school, attend every game or school event you can and communicate online. Send daily text messages or e-mails to say “Hi” or, “I love you.” If your child believes that you’re not interested in being involved in his or her life, they’ll seek validation from someone else, and that can lead to bigger problems.
Don’t Stop Being a Parent
You’ve probably witnessed other divorced parents changing their parenting behaviors as a way to get back at their ex. They might give their children unnecessary gifts or allow them abundant freedoms in order to win their love and favor. Don’t do this! When I hear comments like “Mom gives me money” or “Dad doesn’t make me do that” it’s a clear warning sign that a child is being pulled in two different directions. To avoid this back and forth battle, consensus and concessions need to be made between the parents. It’s difficult, no doubt, and it requires swallowing your pride. But continuing to parent together is the best thing for your teen. So meet up with your “ex” in a neutral public setting and hammer out your differences. Come up with a discipline plan for your kids that you can both agree on and stick to it. Agree on the rules, consequences, freedoms, and responsibilities for your teen. Don’t let your child be a casualty of a battle between spouses.
Work It Out
Divorce is a harsh reality of our culture. I understand that there are reasons and factors that force people to make tough decisions. While I would never condemn someone for getting divorced, I encourage anyone considering the possibility to think long and hard about the long-term consequences. A broken marriage never makes things easier. The excuse, “We’re doing it for the kids,” is simply not valid. Children want and need two parents. I don’t know your circumstances, but if it’s at all possible, stay married. Because God knows the pain and the sorrow that comes with a broken relationship, Malachi 2:16 tells us that He hates divorce. If you’re considering the option, talk with a marriage counselor or seek the help of godly friends and mentors you trust. Avoid divorce at all costs.
If it’s not possible to prevent a split-up, or if you’re already divorced, then it’s crucial to invest in the life of your teen more than ever, to guide them through this transition. With time and effort, both you and your teen will survive the break-up, and come out the other side.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, located in Hallsville, Texas. For more information and helpful resources for moms and dads, check out our website. It’s filled with ideas and tools to help you become a more effective parent. Go to www.heartlightministries.org. Or read other helpful articles by Mark, at www.markgregston.com. You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173. Hear the Parenting Today’s Teens broadcast on a radio station near you, or download the podcast at www.parentingtodaysteens.org. LINK TO POST: http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/2013/01/25/helping-your-teen-deal-with-divorce/?utm_source=feedblitz&utm_medium=FeedBlitzEmail&utm_content=207988&utm_campaign=On-Demand_2013-01-25%2016%3a04
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Loving Your Neighbor: Practical Ways to Help!
I was recently talking to a medical doctor in Branson about why he and his wife have such a heart to help couples. He said something that stuck with me: “When my wife and I would see couples that were struggling, we finally realized that God has called US to help them—not to think it is ‘someone else’s job’ to help them.” That statement got me thinking about Jesus and His words to us about “loving God and loving your neighbor” in Matthew 22. Jesus said those two things were the greatest commandments in the law. So that lead me to a question for myself AND maybe for you.
QUESTION: So how are you doing on “loving your neighbor”? I must admit that loving my neighbor is not one of my strengths. But God reminded me that we can do “little things” each day that are “big things” to others. I believe one of Satan’s greatest tools is discouragement—but we can be ENCOURAGERS today with God’s help. Below are some suggested ways you can love your neighbor—and not just the “family next door” but anyone who God brings across your path today!
HELP A MILITARY COUPLE: Shawn and I have previously shared the devastation that is happening in military marriages and families in our country. Divorce and suicide rates have skyrocketed. FamilyLife has been partnering with the Military Ministry of Campus Crusade to provide help and support. One of the ways we are doing this is through the use of the Art of Marriage specifically for military couples. Check out the link below to find ways you can help!
http://www.theartofmarriageops.org
HELP A BLENDED FAMILY: I just had the privilege of having a meal with two blended families that live in the Branson, Missouri area. Both of them shared their real-life challenges—which are far more “complex” than the “normal family unit”. That is why we were so excited when Ron Deal joined our FamilyLife staff last year. He has done incredible work with blended families over the past 20 years. Send the link below to a husband or wife of a blended family you know. Pray for them consistently that they would “beat the odds” of re-divorce and further brokenness.
http://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/blended-family
ENCOURAGE A MOM: Here’s my thought on Moms: “possibly the hardest yet most important role in a woman’s life—yet so unappreciated or under-appreciated by many”. Moms need encouragement. I know Shawn does as do many other Moms she interacts with. So what can you do to help? Send her the link below to our MomLifeToday website. There are tons of articles and blog posts and other resources to help!
http://www.momlifetoday.com/
ENCOURAGE YOUR PASTOR: I get the privilege of talking to pastors on a regular basis in my work with FamilyLife. One of the statistics I love to share is that 1,500 pastors a month are leaving the church across this nation. 1,500 a month! Pastors need encouragement. Too often I have been “quick to criticize” rather than “quick to encourage”. Find a way TODAY to encourage your pastor—”just because” you love and appreciate them. See link below written by a pastor—tips to encourage your pastor.
http://www.ordinarypastor.com/?p=10905
HELP A SINGLE PARENT: God designed a mother AND a father to raise their children. But for many reasons, there are thousands of men and women in our country who are raising their kids alone. And they need encouragement that God is with them and that there are resources to help them. The link below is for a “faith-based” website designed to help single parents. Check it out or find a source you know to help—and then give that info to a single Mom or Dad you know!
http://www.singleandparenting.org/
QUESTION: So how are you doing on “loving your neighbor”? I must admit that loving my neighbor is not one of my strengths. But God reminded me that we can do “little things” each day that are “big things” to others. I believe one of Satan’s greatest tools is discouragement—but we can be ENCOURAGERS today with God’s help. Below are some suggested ways you can love your neighbor—and not just the “family next door” but anyone who God brings across your path today!
HELP A MILITARY COUPLE: Shawn and I have previously shared the devastation that is happening in military marriages and families in our country. Divorce and suicide rates have skyrocketed. FamilyLife has been partnering with the Military Ministry of Campus Crusade to provide help and support. One of the ways we are doing this is through the use of the Art of Marriage specifically for military couples. Check out the link below to find ways you can help!
http://www.theartofmarriageops.org
HELP A BLENDED FAMILY: I just had the privilege of having a meal with two blended families that live in the Branson, Missouri area. Both of them shared their real-life challenges—which are far more “complex” than the “normal family unit”. That is why we were so excited when Ron Deal joined our FamilyLife staff last year. He has done incredible work with blended families over the past 20 years. Send the link below to a husband or wife of a blended family you know. Pray for them consistently that they would “beat the odds” of re-divorce and further brokenness.
http://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/blended-family
ENCOURAGE A MOM: Here’s my thought on Moms: “possibly the hardest yet most important role in a woman’s life—yet so unappreciated or under-appreciated by many”. Moms need encouragement. I know Shawn does as do many other Moms she interacts with. So what can you do to help? Send her the link below to our MomLifeToday website. There are tons of articles and blog posts and other resources to help!
http://www.momlifetoday.com/
ENCOURAGE YOUR PASTOR: I get the privilege of talking to pastors on a regular basis in my work with FamilyLife. One of the statistics I love to share is that 1,500 pastors a month are leaving the church across this nation. 1,500 a month! Pastors need encouragement. Too often I have been “quick to criticize” rather than “quick to encourage”. Find a way TODAY to encourage your pastor—”just because” you love and appreciate them. See link below written by a pastor—tips to encourage your pastor.
http://www.ordinarypastor.com/?p=10905
HELP A SINGLE PARENT: God designed a mother AND a father to raise their children. But for many reasons, there are thousands of men and women in our country who are raising their kids alone. And they need encouragement that God is with them and that there are resources to help them. The link below is for a “faith-based” website designed to help single parents. Check it out or find a source you know to help—and then give that info to a single Mom or Dad you know!
http://www.singleandparenting.org/
Friday, February 1, 2013
The "Downside" of Cohabiting Before Marriage - NY Times
As our culture moves more and more away from God and His plan for our lives, I found it very interesting that even "secular researchers" are finding that going against God's plan is not best for us - as the article from the NY Times below highlights!
The Downside of Cohabiting Before Marriage
By MEG JAY – New York Times Sunday Review – April 14, 2012
AT 32, one of my clients (I’ll call her Jennifer) had a lavish wine-country wedding. By then, Jennifer and her boyfriend had lived together for more than four years. The event was attended by the couple’s friends, families and two dogs.
When Jennifer started therapy with me less than a year later, she was looking for a divorce lawyer. “I spent more time planning my wedding than I spent happily married,” she sobbed. Most disheartening to Jennifer was that she’d tried to do everything right. “My parents got married young so, of course, they got divorced. We lived together! How did this happen?”
Cohabitation in the United States has increased by more than 1,500 percent in the past half century. In 1960, about 450,000 unmarried couples lived together. Now the number is more than 7.5 million. The majority of young adults in their 20s will live with a romantic partner at least once, and more than half of all marriages will be preceded by cohabitation. This shift has been attributed to the sexual revolution and the availability of birth control, and in our current economy, sharing the bills makes cohabiting appealing. But when you talk to people in their 20s, you also hear about something else: cohabitation as prophylaxis.
In a nationwide survey conducted in 2001 by the National Marriage Project, then at Rutgers and now at the University of Virginia, nearly half of 20-somethings agreed with the statement, “You would only marry someone if he or she agreed to live together with you first, so that you could find out whether you really get along.” About two-thirds said they believed that moving in together before marriage was a good way to avoid divorce.
But that belief is contradicted by experience. Couples who cohabit before marriage (and especially before an engagement or an otherwise clear commitment) tend to be less satisfied with their marriages — and more likely to divorce — than couples who do not. These negative outcomes are called the cohabitation effect.
Researchers originally attributed the cohabitation effect to selection, or the idea that cohabitors were less conventional about marriage and thus more open to divorce. As cohabitation has become a norm, however, studies have shown that the effect is not entirely explained by individual characteristics like religion, education or politics. Research suggests that at least some of the risks may lie in cohabitation itself.
As Jennifer and I worked to answer her question, “How did this happen?” we talked about how she and her boyfriend went from dating to cohabiting. Her response was consistent with studies reporting that most couples say it “just happened.” “We were sleeping over at each other’s places all the time,” she said. “We liked to be together, so it was cheaper and more convenient. It was a quick decision but if it didn’t work out there was a quick exit.”
She was talking about what researchers call “sliding, not deciding.” Moving from dating to sleeping over to sleeping over a lot to cohabitation can be a gradual slope, one not marked by rings or ceremonies or sometimes even a conversation. Couples bypass talking about why they want to live together and what it will mean.
WHEN researchers ask cohabitors these questions, partners often have different, unspoken — even unconscious — agendas. Women are more likely to view cohabitation as a step toward marriage, while men are more likely to see it as a way to test a relationship or postpone commitment, and this gender asymmetry is associated with negative interactions and lower levels of commitment even after the relationship progresses to marriage. One thing men and women do agree on, however, is that their standards for a live-in partner are lower than they are for a spouse.
Sliding into cohabitation wouldn’t be a problem if sliding out were as easy. But it isn’t. Too often, young adults enter into what they imagine will be low-cost, low-risk living situations only to find themselves unable to get out months, even years, later. It’s like signing up for a credit card with 0 percent interest. At the end of 12 months when the interest goes up to 23 percent you feel stuck because your balance is too high to pay off. In fact, cohabitation can be exactly like that. In behavioral economics, it’s called consumer lock-in.
Lock-in is the decreased likelihood to search for, or change to, another option once an investment in something has been made. The greater the setup costs, the less likely we are to move to another, even better, situation, especially when faced with switching costs, or the time, money and effort it requires to make a change.
Cohabitation is loaded with setup and switching costs. Living together can be fun and economical, and the setup costs are subtly woven in. After years of living among roommates’ junky old stuff, couples happily split the rent on a nice one-bedroom apartment. They share wireless and pets and enjoy shopping for new furniture together. Later, these setup and switching costs have an impact on how likely they are to leave.
Jennifer said she never really felt that her boyfriend was committed to her. “I felt like I was on this multiyear, never-ending audition to be his wife,” she said. “We had all this furniture. We had our dogs and all the same friends. It just made it really, really difficult to break up. Then it was like we got married because we were living together once we got into our 30s.”
I’ve had other clients who also wish they hadn’t sunk years of their 20s into relationships that would have lasted only months had they not been living together. Others want to feel committed to their partners, yet they are confused about whether they have consciously chosen their mates. Founding relationships on convenience or ambiguity can interfere with the process of claiming the people we love. A life built on top of “maybe you’ll do” simply may not feel as dedicated as a life built on top of the “we do” of commitment or marriage.
The unfavorable connection between cohabitation and divorce does seem to be lessening, however, according to a report released last month by the Department of Health and Human Services. More good news is that a 2010 survey by the Pew Research Center found that nearly two-thirds of Americans saw cohabitation as a step toward marriage.
This shared and serious view of cohabitation may go a long way toward further attenuating the cohabitation effect because the most recent research suggests that serial cohabitators, couples with differing levels of commitment and those who use cohabitation as a test are most at risk for poor relationship quality and eventual relationship dissolution.
Cohabitation is here to stay, and there are things young adults can do to protect their relationships from the cohabitation effect. It’s important to discuss each person’s motivation and commitment level beforehand and, even better, to view cohabitation as an intentional step toward, rather than a convenient test for, marriage or partnership. It also makes sense to anticipate and regularly evaluate constraints that may keep you from leaving.
I am not for or against living together, but I am for young adults knowing that, far from safeguarding against divorce and unhappiness, moving in with someone can increase your chances of making a mistake — or of spending too much time on a mistake. A mentor of mine used to say, “The best time to work on someone’s marriage is before he or she has one,” and in our era, that may mean before cohabitation.
Meg Jay is a clinical psychologist at the University of Virginia and author of “The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter — and How to Make the Most of Them Now.”
FIND IT ON THE WEB:
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/15/opinion/sunday/the-downside-of-cohabiting-before-marriage.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0
The Downside of Cohabiting Before Marriage
By MEG JAY – New York Times Sunday Review – April 14, 2012
AT 32, one of my clients (I’ll call her Jennifer) had a lavish wine-country wedding. By then, Jennifer and her boyfriend had lived together for more than four years. The event was attended by the couple’s friends, families and two dogs.
When Jennifer started therapy with me less than a year later, she was looking for a divorce lawyer. “I spent more time planning my wedding than I spent happily married,” she sobbed. Most disheartening to Jennifer was that she’d tried to do everything right. “My parents got married young so, of course, they got divorced. We lived together! How did this happen?”
Cohabitation in the United States has increased by more than 1,500 percent in the past half century. In 1960, about 450,000 unmarried couples lived together. Now the number is more than 7.5 million. The majority of young adults in their 20s will live with a romantic partner at least once, and more than half of all marriages will be preceded by cohabitation. This shift has been attributed to the sexual revolution and the availability of birth control, and in our current economy, sharing the bills makes cohabiting appealing. But when you talk to people in their 20s, you also hear about something else: cohabitation as prophylaxis.
In a nationwide survey conducted in 2001 by the National Marriage Project, then at Rutgers and now at the University of Virginia, nearly half of 20-somethings agreed with the statement, “You would only marry someone if he or she agreed to live together with you first, so that you could find out whether you really get along.” About two-thirds said they believed that moving in together before marriage was a good way to avoid divorce.
But that belief is contradicted by experience. Couples who cohabit before marriage (and especially before an engagement or an otherwise clear commitment) tend to be less satisfied with their marriages — and more likely to divorce — than couples who do not. These negative outcomes are called the cohabitation effect.
Researchers originally attributed the cohabitation effect to selection, or the idea that cohabitors were less conventional about marriage and thus more open to divorce. As cohabitation has become a norm, however, studies have shown that the effect is not entirely explained by individual characteristics like religion, education or politics. Research suggests that at least some of the risks may lie in cohabitation itself.
As Jennifer and I worked to answer her question, “How did this happen?” we talked about how she and her boyfriend went from dating to cohabiting. Her response was consistent with studies reporting that most couples say it “just happened.” “We were sleeping over at each other’s places all the time,” she said. “We liked to be together, so it was cheaper and more convenient. It was a quick decision but if it didn’t work out there was a quick exit.”
She was talking about what researchers call “sliding, not deciding.” Moving from dating to sleeping over to sleeping over a lot to cohabitation can be a gradual slope, one not marked by rings or ceremonies or sometimes even a conversation. Couples bypass talking about why they want to live together and what it will mean.
WHEN researchers ask cohabitors these questions, partners often have different, unspoken — even unconscious — agendas. Women are more likely to view cohabitation as a step toward marriage, while men are more likely to see it as a way to test a relationship or postpone commitment, and this gender asymmetry is associated with negative interactions and lower levels of commitment even after the relationship progresses to marriage. One thing men and women do agree on, however, is that their standards for a live-in partner are lower than they are for a spouse.
Sliding into cohabitation wouldn’t be a problem if sliding out were as easy. But it isn’t. Too often, young adults enter into what they imagine will be low-cost, low-risk living situations only to find themselves unable to get out months, even years, later. It’s like signing up for a credit card with 0 percent interest. At the end of 12 months when the interest goes up to 23 percent you feel stuck because your balance is too high to pay off. In fact, cohabitation can be exactly like that. In behavioral economics, it’s called consumer lock-in.
Lock-in is the decreased likelihood to search for, or change to, another option once an investment in something has been made. The greater the setup costs, the less likely we are to move to another, even better, situation, especially when faced with switching costs, or the time, money and effort it requires to make a change.
Cohabitation is loaded with setup and switching costs. Living together can be fun and economical, and the setup costs are subtly woven in. After years of living among roommates’ junky old stuff, couples happily split the rent on a nice one-bedroom apartment. They share wireless and pets and enjoy shopping for new furniture together. Later, these setup and switching costs have an impact on how likely they are to leave.
Jennifer said she never really felt that her boyfriend was committed to her. “I felt like I was on this multiyear, never-ending audition to be his wife,” she said. “We had all this furniture. We had our dogs and all the same friends. It just made it really, really difficult to break up. Then it was like we got married because we were living together once we got into our 30s.”
I’ve had other clients who also wish they hadn’t sunk years of their 20s into relationships that would have lasted only months had they not been living together. Others want to feel committed to their partners, yet they are confused about whether they have consciously chosen their mates. Founding relationships on convenience or ambiguity can interfere with the process of claiming the people we love. A life built on top of “maybe you’ll do” simply may not feel as dedicated as a life built on top of the “we do” of commitment or marriage.
The unfavorable connection between cohabitation and divorce does seem to be lessening, however, according to a report released last month by the Department of Health and Human Services. More good news is that a 2010 survey by the Pew Research Center found that nearly two-thirds of Americans saw cohabitation as a step toward marriage.
This shared and serious view of cohabitation may go a long way toward further attenuating the cohabitation effect because the most recent research suggests that serial cohabitators, couples with differing levels of commitment and those who use cohabitation as a test are most at risk for poor relationship quality and eventual relationship dissolution.
Cohabitation is here to stay, and there are things young adults can do to protect their relationships from the cohabitation effect. It’s important to discuss each person’s motivation and commitment level beforehand and, even better, to view cohabitation as an intentional step toward, rather than a convenient test for, marriage or partnership. It also makes sense to anticipate and regularly evaluate constraints that may keep you from leaving.
I am not for or against living together, but I am for young adults knowing that, far from safeguarding against divorce and unhappiness, moving in with someone can increase your chances of making a mistake — or of spending too much time on a mistake. A mentor of mine used to say, “The best time to work on someone’s marriage is before he or she has one,” and in our era, that may mean before cohabitation.
Meg Jay is a clinical psychologist at the University of Virginia and author of “The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter — and How to Make the Most of Them Now.”
FIND IT ON THE WEB:
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/15/opinion/sunday/the-downside-of-cohabiting-before-marriage.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Twenty Minutes a Day: Marriage Challenge
The following is a great little devotional thought from Dennis and Barbara Rainey's book entitled "Moments with You". As I re-read it (saved this on my computer a few years back), I was again challenged to MAKE TIME for Shawn in the midst of our busy lives.....hope it can challenge AND encourage you at the same time!
Twenty Minutes a Day
I thank my God in all my remembrance of you. Philippians 1:3
Bill Eyster, a key member of our executive team at FamilyLife, told me recently about a friend of his who had received a new guitar as a gift. It was something this man had always wanted -- he had hoped he could learn to play the guitar at some point in his life. So with the encouragement of his wife and children, he started spending about 20 minutes each evening learning chords and picking out notes.
Funny what 20 minutes a night can do. Before long, he had worked up to playing a few simple songs. His family was getting a big kick out of it, singing along as he began playing things they could actually recognize. How fun! A new, learned skill was bringing music (and sometimes laughter) into his home -- and the joy of accomplishment into his heart.
This resulted in Bill wondering: Everybody has at least a little free time, sprinkled here and there through the day or in the evening. Some spend it on the Internet. Some spend it watching TV or movies. Some spend it shopping or reading or scrapbooking. But what if we invested just a few of those moments -- 20 minutes, say -- spending concentrated time and effort on our most important earthly relationship, our marriage?
What if, instead of using our free time to get better at golf or photography or Cajun cooking, we used it to become a godly wife or husband? What if we used that same amount of time to take a walk together? What if we used it just to deliberately think about how to invest in our spouse -- to brainstorm our next gift idea, to plan a romantic evening, to choose a certain chore we could take off our spouse's hands?
It takes focus for a marriage relationship to grow. And focus takes time.
Discuss: Talk about where you could get 15 to 20 minutes together several times a week. What are the time wasters you could eliminate to get some time back for one another?
Pray: Ask God to help you see your marriage as a daily adventure.
From Moments with You, by Dennis and Barbara Rainey
Twenty Minutes a Day
I thank my God in all my remembrance of you. Philippians 1:3
Bill Eyster, a key member of our executive team at FamilyLife, told me recently about a friend of his who had received a new guitar as a gift. It was something this man had always wanted -- he had hoped he could learn to play the guitar at some point in his life. So with the encouragement of his wife and children, he started spending about 20 minutes each evening learning chords and picking out notes.
Funny what 20 minutes a night can do. Before long, he had worked up to playing a few simple songs. His family was getting a big kick out of it, singing along as he began playing things they could actually recognize. How fun! A new, learned skill was bringing music (and sometimes laughter) into his home -- and the joy of accomplishment into his heart.
This resulted in Bill wondering: Everybody has at least a little free time, sprinkled here and there through the day or in the evening. Some spend it on the Internet. Some spend it watching TV or movies. Some spend it shopping or reading or scrapbooking. But what if we invested just a few of those moments -- 20 minutes, say -- spending concentrated time and effort on our most important earthly relationship, our marriage?
What if, instead of using our free time to get better at golf or photography or Cajun cooking, we used it to become a godly wife or husband? What if we used that same amount of time to take a walk together? What if we used it just to deliberately think about how to invest in our spouse -- to brainstorm our next gift idea, to plan a romantic evening, to choose a certain chore we could take off our spouse's hands?
It takes focus for a marriage relationship to grow. And focus takes time.
Discuss: Talk about where you could get 15 to 20 minutes together several times a week. What are the time wasters you could eliminate to get some time back for one another?
Pray: Ask God to help you see your marriage as a daily adventure.
From Moments with You, by Dennis and Barbara Rainey
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Marraige Help for Newlyweds!!
Thought we'd share this....interesting insight from Brides Magazine
10 Shocking Secrets of the First Year of Marriage
Brides Magazine
10 Shocking Secrets of the First Year of Marriage
Brides Magazine
Think that your first year as newlyweds will be total bliss? Of course it will—but even paradise comes with surprises. Here's what to expect.
1. THE SHOCK: You'll gain a little love weight.
You've been dieting since the moment he put the ring on your finger. But chances are that celery-and-Fresca regimen will end as soon as the honeymoon begins. (Christening every Thursday "Pasta Madness"? Go for it!) "I starved myself for months to get in shape for the wedding—I even ordered my ring a size smaller to force myself to keep dieting," admits Melina M., 29, of Cambridge, Massachusetts. "Of course I've gained it all back—and a few extra pounds."
WHAT'S A COUPLE TO DO?
Putting on a bit of weight is normal for a newlywed. "Give yourself permission to enjoy your new life and the food that comes with it," says psychologist Elizabeth Lombardo, Ph.D., author of A Happy You: Your Ultimate Prescription for Happiness. But don't make chili-cheese dogs an everyday thing, or the pounds will keep piling on. Spanx has its limits.
2. THE SHOCK: Your B-list buds will go MIA.
You're a single girl with a tribe of friends. Once you're hitched, though, some may mysteriously vanish from the scene—unless you bribe them with Friday-night drinks.
WHAT'S A COUPLE TO DO?
If a friend is keen on getting married, jealousy may play a part, or she may be having a hard time dealing with a former free-agent pal's wanting to check in with her hubby before making plans. But don't worry—your closest girlfriends won't leave your side, especially if you make a conscious effort to keep them there.
3. THE SHOCK: Your sex life will be off the charts—sometimes.
After the honeymoon and a happy homecoming, life can turn, well...a bit PG. One night, you may just want to do the laundry. Or there will be a Project Runway marathon that you really, really want to watch. Before you know it, a week will have gone by since you and your spouse got romantic.
WHAT'S A COUPLE TO DO?
Nothing. Studies show that, over time, married people have more—and better—sex than singles do, says Scott Haltzman, author of The Secrets of Happily Married Women: "The sense of commitment helps loosen a couple's inhibitions and strengthens their sexual bond."
4. THE SHOCK: You won't unpack your china for six months.
Engaged girl's fantasy: kitchen shelves full of gleaming new china and stemware organized by color, pattern, and size. Married woman's reality: stacks of unpacked boxes in every corner.
WHAT'S A COUPLE TO DO?
Everyday things—working late, paying bills, taking the dog to the vet—will get in the way of setting up that idyllic space. Try this as a compromise: Open one box each week until you've achieved that sublime kitchen display. And then use the stuff!
5. THE SHOCK: You'll do the dishes; your husband will fix stuff.
It'll be like living in a Mad Men episode as you fall into clichéd roles—you're in charge of laundry; he hammers things. "One day, when our dryer's bell went off to signal that the clothes were done, my husband jumped a foot off the couch and shrieked, 'What was that noise?' That was when I realized he hadn't washed a sock since we'd been married," says Anna W., 28, of Austin, Texas.
WHAT'S A COUPLE TO DO?
Devise a plan, if you'd prefer to split chores 50–50. "Consider which chores each of you doesn't mind doing, and agree to divvy up the responsibilities in a way you both think is fair," says Lombardo. Studies show that when roles are clearly defined and equitable, everyone's happier.
6. THE SHOCK: Even though you'll have two paychecks, you'll still feel broke.
That "we'll have twice as much money" theory? Just an illusion. While you'll save on housing if you weren't living together before (and don't move someplace swankier), you'll also be spending more. For example, that hand-me-down couch was fine for a single gal, but now you'll want a nice sofa in a lovely home that looks as if grown-ups live there.
WHAT'S A COUPLE TO DO?
Don't fret too much, says Haltzman. The investments you're making now will pay off for decades to come, whether they're in furnishings, friendships (throwing dinner parties), or the future (loading up your retirement accounts).
7. THE SHOCK: You won't want to spend every moment with your new husband.
Your spouse may be your best friend, but he won't suddenly become your only friend.
WHAT'S A COUPLE TO DO?
"My husband and I have no problems maintaining individual friendships," says Meghan E., 29, of Richmond, Virginia. "The poor guy shouldn't have to be dragged to every new chick flick simply because he's married to me." She's right. Go out with the girls, and give him nights with his guys. You'll come home and swap stories—and your marriage will be the better for it.
8. THE SHOCK: You'll go to bed mad, even though you vowed not to—ever.
Count on falling asleep fuming at least once that first year.
WHAT'S A COUPLE TO DO?
"It's okay if you're getting nowhere with a compromise," says Lombardo. "Forcing things will just make them worse." So don't be scared of getting some shut-eye. Most likely, you'll both wake up refreshed and ready to make up. Studies show the best predictor of a marriage's success is the couple's ability to repair the relationship after a fight, so as long as you resolve your conflict quickly, you can rest easy.
9. THE SHOCK: Being a wife won't mean you'll instantly have skills worthy of an Iron Chef.
"When I was single, I rarely turned on the stove in my studio apartment. Then I got a husband, new kitchen gear (all those shower gifts!), and my grandmother's take- care-of-your-man attitude," says Molly S., 32, of Baltimore.
WHAT'S A COUPLE TO DO?
Marriage vows are powerful, but they don't include instructions on how to make meatloaf. "I'd rush home from work and try to cook a spread worthy of a magazine photo shoot, but I couldn't take the pressure," says Molly. "Now making dinner might mean opening a bag of salad or a take-out menu," she says. "And we're both okay with that." Or you may find your husband grabbing the apron—now there's a win-win!
10. THE SHOCK: The world will feel like a better place.
WHAT'S A COUPLE TO DO?
"Getting married is a declaration to the world that you want to be with each other forever, and a huge sense of security, devotion, peace, and love comes with that," says Lombardo. That intensity will not only deepen your bond but also give you quite a buzz. Says Krista N., 31, of New York City, "We were really supportive of each other before, but now that we're married, it feels like we're tackling life together, and that's a pretty great feeling."
http://m.yahoo.com/w/ygo-frontpage/lp/story/us/47658/coke.bp%3B_ylt=Alf6MnpJar1hxYJXo8aQA3ax.tw4%3B_ylu=X3oDMTFxMWVoZTM2BGNwb3MDNgRjc2VjA21vYmlsZS10ZARpbnRsA3VzBHBrZwNpZC00NzY1OARwb3MDNgRzbGsDaW1hZ2U-?ref_w=frontdoors&view=today&.intl=US&.lang=en&.tsrc=yahoo
Friday, October 28, 2011
Great stuff for Husbands or any Young Man!
Pornography is a growing addiction among BOTH men and women in our country. I've seen stats as high as 75% of men and even 50% of pastors are addicted to porn. Whose figures are correct is the least of my concern. The bottom line is that pornography is killing marriages and ruining families everywhere.
I CHALLENGE every man who sees this to read the article linked below AND send it to a friend or two to read. We must take on pornography head on and that means being proactive at guarding our hearts and helping other men do the same!
http://huzband.wordpress.com/2011/10/26/how-porn-works-we-need-to-know-this/
I CHALLENGE every man who sees this to read the article linked below AND send it to a friend or two to read. We must take on pornography head on and that means being proactive at guarding our hearts and helping other men do the same!
http://huzband.wordpress.com/2011/10/26/how-porn-works-we-need-to-know-this/
Monday, October 10, 2011
For EVERY Marriage: The Art of Marriage
Shawn and I have posted previously about FamilyLife's "The Art of Marraige" Video Event, but we wanted to remind those of you who know AND tell those who do not. This is an incredible tool that God gave FamilyLife and YOU CAN USE it to reach marriages and families where YOU ARE.
This great event is designed to be done on a Friday night and Saturday - it can be done in a church, retreat center, community events area - anywhere people can gather, it can be done. And it is scalable from just a few couples getting together to larger events with 100's of couples in attendance.
Shawn and I hosted one of these for 6 couples in our small group last Spring and had a blast doing it. We are now working with our home church, the Summit Church in North Little Rock, AR to host one for our church and the larger community of Little Rock. We are looking forward to all God is going to do through it!
You can find out more at http://www.theartofmarriage.com. You can also contact Shawn and I for mroe info. Check out the trailer below. Don't miss this chance to invest in your marriage AND help others invest in theirs as well!!
This great event is designed to be done on a Friday night and Saturday - it can be done in a church, retreat center, community events area - anywhere people can gather, it can be done. And it is scalable from just a few couples getting together to larger events with 100's of couples in attendance.
Shawn and I hosted one of these for 6 couples in our small group last Spring and had a blast doing it. We are now working with our home church, the Summit Church in North Little Rock, AR to host one for our church and the larger community of Little Rock. We are looking forward to all God is going to do through it!
You can find out more at http://www.theartofmarriage.com. You can also contact Shawn and I for mroe info. Check out the trailer below. Don't miss this chance to invest in your marriage AND help others invest in theirs as well!!
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Great Stuff on Marriage!!
Saw this on FamilyLife's website and thought it was worth sharing.....Enjoy!
11 Rules on Marriage You Won’t Learn in School - FamilyLife.com
11 Rules on Marriage You Won’t Learn in School - FamilyLife.com
Friday, July 15, 2011
Planting Good Seeds in Your Marriage!!
The following "thoughts" are from the FamilyLife Marriage Bible, written by Dennis and Barbara Rainey. I thought this was a great reminder to all of us married folks of the critical importance of our "words" to each other. Hope this is an encouragement to you!!
Verbally Plant Good Seeds
When God created the universe, He used a unique vehicle – words. The psalmist records how God created all that we see: “By the word of the Lord the heavens were made…For He spoke and it was done: He commanded and it stood fast” (Psalm 33:6,9, italics added)
When God wanted to free Israel from brutal slavery in Egypt, again He used words: “He spoke, and there came swarms of flies, lice in all their territory…He spoke, and locust came, young locusts without number (Psalm 105:31, 34, italics added)
God conceived human life in His mind and gave it birth through His words. He could have fashioned creation gently in His hands – yet He chose to use words. He spoke, and it “stood fast.”
In a similar way, the words you use can be powerful and even life-giving to your spouse. One of the most important things about a married couple is what they say to each other. When positive words flow, the relationship grows robust and flourishes. But if the lines of understanding and positive communication to down permanently, it is only a matter of time before the marriage dies. You can create life in your mate with your positive words, or you can inflict destruction with negative and neglectful words.
During World War II, many factories in the US were converted into manufacturing firms producing ammunition, ships, and other wartime resources. Posted throughout those factories were little signs with these words: “Loose lips sink ship”. Today, we need little signs in our homes that read, “Loose lips sink partnerships.”
Proverbs 12:25 is clear, “Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression, but a good word makes him glad.” Notice the impact of a “good word”. Gladness comes from just one well-placed, positive word.
Be sure to appreciate the power of words. They can assault your mate or honor him or her as a valuable person who had God-given worth and assets. Your efforts to give unconditional acceptance will go for naught if you sow pessimistic, critical, or unsympathetic words into the heart of your mate.
When God created the universe, He used a unique vehicle – words. The psalmist records how God created all that we see: “By the word of the Lord the heavens were made…For He spoke and it was done: He commanded and it stood fast” (Psalm 33:6,9, italics added)
When God wanted to free Israel from brutal slavery in Egypt, again He used words: “He spoke, and there came swarms of flies, lice in all their territory…He spoke, and locust came, young locusts without number (Psalm 105:31, 34, italics added)
God conceived human life in His mind and gave it birth through His words. He could have fashioned creation gently in His hands – yet He chose to use words. He spoke, and it “stood fast.”
In a similar way, the words you use can be powerful and even life-giving to your spouse. One of the most important things about a married couple is what they say to each other. When positive words flow, the relationship grows robust and flourishes. But if the lines of understanding and positive communication to down permanently, it is only a matter of time before the marriage dies. You can create life in your mate with your positive words, or you can inflict destruction with negative and neglectful words.
During World War II, many factories in the US were converted into manufacturing firms producing ammunition, ships, and other wartime resources. Posted throughout those factories were little signs with these words: “Loose lips sink ship”. Today, we need little signs in our homes that read, “Loose lips sink partnerships.”
Proverbs 12:25 is clear, “Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression, but a good word makes him glad.” Notice the impact of a “good word”. Gladness comes from just one well-placed, positive word.
Be sure to appreciate the power of words. They can assault your mate or honor him or her as a valuable person who had God-given worth and assets. Your efforts to give unconditional acceptance will go for naught if you sow pessimistic, critical, or unsympathetic words into the heart of your mate.
From the FamilyLife Marriage Bible, Dennis and Barbary Rainey
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Signs of the Times: Marriage Under Attack!
There are signs all around us each day. The one you see pictured to the left is one a FamilyLife staff person saw about 2 weeks ago. This could literally be a sign in our neighborhood in Maumelle….or yours where you live: A husband who has “cheated” on his wife and now the family is breaking up as a result. The results will be devastating for all involved!
It is a “sign” of the times we are living in. But it is also a reminder of how urgent the need for marriage/family help is!! There are marriages and families dying in neighborhoods all around you and me every day. Do we really care? Or are we too busy with our own lives to step in and offer help? There is a huge difference between knowing what we should do and actually doing it—being a hearer OR a doer.
Would you take a minute to stop and pray right now. “Lord, please show me how you want me to respond”. Maybe you have a friend, neighbor, co-worker, or family member that you know needs help. Maybe it is you and your marriage and family that is in need right now. Whatever the case, will you respond. Will you reach out and offer help OR reach out and ask for help?
The Lord of the universe stands ready to hear your response. And Shawn and I stand ready to respond as well. Phone or email us and we will get back with you. Our contact info is at the bottom of this page. Ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find, knock and the door will be opened to you. Keep on asking, seeking, and knocking!
It is a “sign” of the times we are living in. But it is also a reminder of how urgent the need for marriage/family help is!! There are marriages and families dying in neighborhoods all around you and me every day. Do we really care? Or are we too busy with our own lives to step in and offer help? There is a huge difference between knowing what we should do and actually doing it—being a hearer OR a doer.
Would you take a minute to stop and pray right now. “Lord, please show me how you want me to respond”. Maybe you have a friend, neighbor, co-worker, or family member that you know needs help. Maybe it is you and your marriage and family that is in need right now. Whatever the case, will you respond. Will you reach out and offer help OR reach out and ask for help?
The Lord of the universe stands ready to hear your response. And Shawn and I stand ready to respond as well. Phone or email us and we will get back with you. Our contact info is at the bottom of this page. Ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find, knock and the door will be opened to you. Keep on asking, seeking, and knocking!
Friday, May 27, 2011
Short on Time? Check out FamilyLife Today "On The Go"!!
Are you short on time? Always seem to be rushing off to the next thing on your busy schedule? If that sounds like you, then we have just the thing for you!! FamilyLife Today® On The Go is geared for your busy lifestyle. Practical, Biblical help for your marriage and family in bite-sized chunks.—many 5 minutes or less!These short segments are taken from the best FamilyLife Today radio programs. A new On the Go is released each Monday and Thursday and will cover a variety of topics. Not everyone has time to listen to a 25 minute program, so we’re providing some of the most compelling discussions from FamilyLife Today in a condensed fashion. Our desire is to take what God has given us (great audio content) and deliver it to people in a variety of ways to fit their lifestyle.
You can listen to “On The Go” (1) thru our iPhone App “FamilyLife Audio” , (2) by subscribing to the podcast thru iTunes, OR (3) you can also find “On The Go” at http://www.familylifetodayonthego.com/. Any of these are great ways to listen in on these short segments. Listen in! You HAVE time!!
Friday, May 20, 2011
Encouragment for Your Marriage!
As we have gone through the book, I have been startled by the number of "great quotes on marriage" that have grabbed my attention. Hope the quotes below will both encourage and challenge you in your marriage relationship!!
- “If you want to be free to serve Jesus, there’s no question – stay single. Marriage takes a lot of time. But if you want to become more like Jesus, I can’t imagine any better thing to do than to get married. Being married forces you to face some character issues you’d never have to face otherwise.” Page 21
- “The key question is this: Will we approach marriage from a God-centered view of a man-centered view? In a man-centered view, we will maintain our marriage as long as our earthly comforts, desires, and expectations are met. In a God-centered view, we preserve our marriage because it brings glory to God and points a sinful world to a reconciling Creator.” Page 32
- God lets us choose whom we’re going to love. Because we get the choice and then find it difficult to carry out the love in practice, what grounds do we have to ever stop loving?...Once we enter the marriage relationship, we cannot love God without loving our spouse as well. Page 42
- Christianity involves believing certain things to be sure, but its herald, its hallmark, its glory is not in merely ascribing to certain intellectual truths. The beauty of Christianity is in learning to love, and few life situations test that so radically as does a marriage. Page 51
- Many of the marital problems we face are not problems between individual couples....They are problems between men, generally, and women, generally. They are problems that arise because we are either too lazy or too selfish to get to know our spouse well enough to understand how different from us they really are. Page 60
- Contempt is conceived with expectations. Respect is conceived with expressions of gratitude. We can choose which one we will obsess over – expectations or thanksgivings. That choice will result in a birth – and the child will be named either contempt or respect. Page 67
- In fact, much Christina teaching has gotten it exactly backwards. We’re told that if we want to have a stronger marriage, we should improve our prayer lives. But Peter tells us that we should improve our marriages so that we can improve our prayer lives. Instead of prayer being the “tool” that will refine my marriage, Peter tells me that marriage is the tool that will refine my prayers. Page 76
- Marriage is an operation by which a woman’s vanity and a man’s egotism are extracted without anesthetic – Helen Rowland, Page 89.
- One of the best wedding gifts God gave you was a full-length mirror called “your spouse”. Had there been a card attached, it would have said, “Here’s to helping you discover what you’re really like!” – Gary and Betsi Ricucci.
- Behind virtually every case of marital dissatisfaction lies unrepentant sin. Couples don’t fall out of love so much as the fall out of repentance. Sin, wrong attitudes, and personal failures that are not dealt with slowly erode the relationship…..Page 96
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Encouraging Read for Parents!
A friend of ours emailed this to us....thought it would be good to share to encourage you parents of young folks (like us)......Enjoy! The website it is from is linked below!
Help! My Kids Are Trying Sex, Drugs, and Rock 'n Roll!
Is this your worst nightmare? That your kids will fall away from the values you have tried to teach them? That they will go off and experiment with the most dangerous activities and that they will be nothing like the people you raised them to be?
You are not alone. These are the greatest fears of many parents.
Are you ready for some good news? Time and time again, we've seen that when young people rebel or get off track in life, relationship brings them back. Research even supports the notion that relationship is the greatest factor predicting whether kids will remain true to their parents' values…or rebel against them.
Is that incredible or what? More than what books they read, what schools they attend, what shows they watch, what activities in which they participate, even the friends they choose - the quality of our relationship makes the greatest difference.
This is one reason Love and Logic puts so much emphasis on avoiding arguments and power struggles with kids. If the loving bond with our kids is not intact, all the best limits, techniques, and accountability will not get us to our goal of raising great kids.
There may be times when the wisest thing parents can do is set aside control battles over things like haircuts, fashion, or even grades - and focus on building the most loving relationship possible.
Some parents decide to suspend the fight and do things with their kids that they truly enjoy. They focus on what they like about the kid and what brings them together.
Is it possible that an afternoon playing a favorite game or rooting for a team we love could be more powerful than months and years of nagging kids to be more like us?
Take heart. Young people are notorious for experimenting, for trying on identities, and for straining to distance themselves from their "old" parents. And if we have great relationships with them, they often come around in wonderful ways - to be great people just like us!
Thanks for reading! Our goal is to help as many families as possible. If this is a benefit, forward this article to a friend.
Jedd Hafer
http://www.loveandlogic.com/
Help! My Kids Are Trying Sex, Drugs, and Rock 'n Roll!
Is this your worst nightmare? That your kids will fall away from the values you have tried to teach them? That they will go off and experiment with the most dangerous activities and that they will be nothing like the people you raised them to be?
You are not alone. These are the greatest fears of many parents.
Are you ready for some good news? Time and time again, we've seen that when young people rebel or get off track in life, relationship brings them back. Research even supports the notion that relationship is the greatest factor predicting whether kids will remain true to their parents' values…or rebel against them.
Is that incredible or what? More than what books they read, what schools they attend, what shows they watch, what activities in which they participate, even the friends they choose - the quality of our relationship makes the greatest difference.
This is one reason Love and Logic puts so much emphasis on avoiding arguments and power struggles with kids. If the loving bond with our kids is not intact, all the best limits, techniques, and accountability will not get us to our goal of raising great kids.
There may be times when the wisest thing parents can do is set aside control battles over things like haircuts, fashion, or even grades - and focus on building the most loving relationship possible.
Some parents decide to suspend the fight and do things with their kids that they truly enjoy. They focus on what they like about the kid and what brings them together.
Is it possible that an afternoon playing a favorite game or rooting for a team we love could be more powerful than months and years of nagging kids to be more like us?
Take heart. Young people are notorious for experimenting, for trying on identities, and for straining to distance themselves from their "old" parents. And if we have great relationships with them, they often come around in wonderful ways - to be great people just like us!
Thanks for reading! Our goal is to help as many families as possible. If this is a benefit, forward this article to a friend.
Jedd Hafer
http://www.loveandlogic.com/
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Help for Parents of Teens!!
I get emails from a great ministry called Heartlight Ministries (more info at the end of this post on Heartlight). They are all about helping parents of teens and teens have the great relationship with each other and with Jesus. Here is one of Mark Gregston's latest emails!!
Developing Responsibility in Your Teen --- by Mark Gregston
I have a word of advice that is applicable to almost every parent of a teenager in today’s world. Stop! More specifically, stop doing so many things for your teen. By doing too much, you are likely stifling their motivation, limiting their creativity, promoting irresponsibility and postponing maturity. You may even be taking away the sense of accomplishment, pride and self-esteem they would otherwise have.
Most parents do not require enough from their kids today; nor do they train them to handle responsibility. There was a time in our society when young people were expected to do many things for themselves. On the farm or in larger families they were expected to help out around the house, take care of their siblings, and even help support the family in some instances. Along with the conveniences of modern day living has come the prolonging of immaturity well into the mid-twenties.
Fact is, teens are capable of handling plenty of responsibility, but too often parents get in the way. We can underestimate their abilities and stifle new challenges, so they don’t mature. I often hear parents say things like, “They’re too young for that,” or, “I’ll just have to redo it anyway.” Regardless, they need to learn and they’ll only do so when we stop doing everything for them. I don’t think kids should drive a car at age 16, or vote or go to war at age 18, but that’s the real world. Is there risk involved in the process? Of course. But there’s no way to avoid it. Exposure to some difficulty and risk is a necessary part of the growing process.
You may remember the large-scale science experiment known as the Biosphere 2 from about twenty years ago. In the Arizona desert, a group of scientists tried to recreate in a sealed environment the different ecosystems found on Earth. The plan was to create a self-sustaining cycle (a biosphere) that would continually support life on another planet. Vegetation grew, but they found that the trees eventually drooped over and broke in half. It was because there was no wind. You see, as trees grow outdoors, bending back and forth in the wind creates small cracks in the bark and then sap fills the cracks, making the whole tree stronger and the bark thicker. Without it, the tree has no strength and support.
Likewise, not allowing our teens to learn responsibility — to bend in the wind — we are not allowing them to learn the skills they are going to need to survive and stand upright in the world. So, take a minute to think about the skills your teen is going to need, and then plan how you will train them to deal with those issues through real-life responsibility. Here are just a few of things you can focus on:
Cooking healthy meals, doing their own laundry, buying groceries, changing a tire, how to spend money, how to save money, how to study, how to act in a job interview, how to plan, how to deal with stress, handling conflict…the list could go on forever.
Start talking about and training them for the things that will be required of them as adults, before they have to actually face them.
No Substitute for Experience
Kids need to experience for themselves the link between their choices and the resulting consequences—good or bad. Learning to make good choices requires practice — it’s not an inborn ability and they won’t magically develop that skill when they turn 18 or 21.
They also learn from the experience of observation. For instance, I believe that a man’s word is his bond. If I say I’ll do something, I do it. And I believe that order and cleanliness is important. So, I try to model those and other important character traits to my staff and the kids I work with. The point is, you can’t expect more from your child than you demonstrate in your own life.
When you’ve been doing everything for them all along, they’ve come to depend on you. But you need to make the transition in the early teen years. So sit down with them and discuss your new expectations with words like “I/we will no longer do…” Then stick to it and don’t pick up the slack.
You’ll never be a perfect parent. Neither will I. But if we’ve done the best we can to prepare and train our kids in the teen years for adulthood, and have modeled responsibility for them, that’s all we can do. We need to step back and trust what we’ve taught them all their lives will rub off on them. Yes, they will make mistakes, but they need to. Swallow hard and allow them to learn for themselves.
Well-intentioned parents can all too easily become enabling, and that can lead to trouble for the teen when they break out on their own. It reminds me of someone who found a butterfly struggling to shed its cocoon. Trying to help the butterfly ease its way into the world, they broke open the cocoon to free the fragile creature—but the butterfly then died! You see, it needed the process and struggle of getting out of the cocoon in order to gain the strength to live. So do your kids.
We talked about this issue in-depth on our radio program titled “Developing Responsibility in Your Teen.” Listen online here (or look for the program at http://www.parentingtodaysteens.org).
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a therapeutic boarding school located in East Texas. Call 903-668-2173. Visit http://www.heartlightministries.org, or to read other articles by Mark, visit http://www.markgregston.com
Developing Responsibility in Your Teen --- by Mark Gregston
I have a word of advice that is applicable to almost every parent of a teenager in today’s world. Stop! More specifically, stop doing so many things for your teen. By doing too much, you are likely stifling their motivation, limiting their creativity, promoting irresponsibility and postponing maturity. You may even be taking away the sense of accomplishment, pride and self-esteem they would otherwise have.
Most parents do not require enough from their kids today; nor do they train them to handle responsibility. There was a time in our society when young people were expected to do many things for themselves. On the farm or in larger families they were expected to help out around the house, take care of their siblings, and even help support the family in some instances. Along with the conveniences of modern day living has come the prolonging of immaturity well into the mid-twenties.
Fact is, teens are capable of handling plenty of responsibility, but too often parents get in the way. We can underestimate their abilities and stifle new challenges, so they don’t mature. I often hear parents say things like, “They’re too young for that,” or, “I’ll just have to redo it anyway.” Regardless, they need to learn and they’ll only do so when we stop doing everything for them. I don’t think kids should drive a car at age 16, or vote or go to war at age 18, but that’s the real world. Is there risk involved in the process? Of course. But there’s no way to avoid it. Exposure to some difficulty and risk is a necessary part of the growing process.
You may remember the large-scale science experiment known as the Biosphere 2 from about twenty years ago. In the Arizona desert, a group of scientists tried to recreate in a sealed environment the different ecosystems found on Earth. The plan was to create a self-sustaining cycle (a biosphere) that would continually support life on another planet. Vegetation grew, but they found that the trees eventually drooped over and broke in half. It was because there was no wind. You see, as trees grow outdoors, bending back and forth in the wind creates small cracks in the bark and then sap fills the cracks, making the whole tree stronger and the bark thicker. Without it, the tree has no strength and support.
Likewise, not allowing our teens to learn responsibility — to bend in the wind — we are not allowing them to learn the skills they are going to need to survive and stand upright in the world. So, take a minute to think about the skills your teen is going to need, and then plan how you will train them to deal with those issues through real-life responsibility. Here are just a few of things you can focus on:
Cooking healthy meals, doing their own laundry, buying groceries, changing a tire, how to spend money, how to save money, how to study, how to act in a job interview, how to plan, how to deal with stress, handling conflict…the list could go on forever.
Start talking about and training them for the things that will be required of them as adults, before they have to actually face them.
No Substitute for Experience
Kids need to experience for themselves the link between their choices and the resulting consequences—good or bad. Learning to make good choices requires practice — it’s not an inborn ability and they won’t magically develop that skill when they turn 18 or 21.
They also learn from the experience of observation. For instance, I believe that a man’s word is his bond. If I say I’ll do something, I do it. And I believe that order and cleanliness is important. So, I try to model those and other important character traits to my staff and the kids I work with. The point is, you can’t expect more from your child than you demonstrate in your own life.
When you’ve been doing everything for them all along, they’ve come to depend on you. But you need to make the transition in the early teen years. So sit down with them and discuss your new expectations with words like “I/we will no longer do…” Then stick to it and don’t pick up the slack.
You’ll never be a perfect parent. Neither will I. But if we’ve done the best we can to prepare and train our kids in the teen years for adulthood, and have modeled responsibility for them, that’s all we can do. We need to step back and trust what we’ve taught them all their lives will rub off on them. Yes, they will make mistakes, but they need to. Swallow hard and allow them to learn for themselves.
Well-intentioned parents can all too easily become enabling, and that can lead to trouble for the teen when they break out on their own. It reminds me of someone who found a butterfly struggling to shed its cocoon. Trying to help the butterfly ease its way into the world, they broke open the cocoon to free the fragile creature—but the butterfly then died! You see, it needed the process and struggle of getting out of the cocoon in order to gain the strength to live. So do your kids.
We talked about this issue in-depth on our radio program titled “Developing Responsibility in Your Teen.” Listen online here (or look for the program at http://www.parentingtodaysteens.org).
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a therapeutic boarding school located in East Texas. Call 903-668-2173. Visit http://www.heartlightministries.org, or to read other articles by Mark, visit http://www.markgregston.com
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Giving Away Ministry: The Art of Marriage!!
As part of the staff of FamilyLife, we are continually "WOWED" by all the the Lord God is doing in and through this ministry. But we know we are only touching a "small part" of the U.S. population. If our goal is "Every Home a Godly Home", we know we can't get there using ONLY the tools we have for the last 30 years!
The Art of Marriage is a tool I personally believe
will touch more couples in the next 5 years that we have in 30+ years with the Weekend to Remember! That is a bold statement but you would believe it too if you had seen the quality and the power of this great video event!
The Art of Marriage is a tool I personally believe
will touch more couples in the next 5 years that we have in 30+ years with the Weekend to Remember! That is a bold statement but you would believe it too if you had seen the quality and the power of this great video event!Shawn and I are working to get an Art of Marriage on the "calendar" at our home church here in North Little Rock. There is work involved but the payoff is worth the effort - transformed lives and marriages!!
And that leads us to this challenge: Could God be calling YOU to host an Art of Marriage event. Imagine bringing the same life-transforming power God provides through Weekend to Remember Getaways to your community, your church, or your small group—no matter what the size of the city you live in. Wouldn’t that be awesome!
Shawn and I had the privilege of seeing The Art of Marriage in July and were blown away by the quality of this great new tool. This one and a half day event uses great biblical teaching, engaging stories, real-life testimonies and humorous vignettes to help couples fully experience and embrace God’s design for marriage.
So we are back to the question: Could God be calling YOU to host an Art of Marriage Event? For more information, visit http://www.theartofmarriage.com/. And if you are interested in finding out more after you visit the website, then please email Glen at gsolberg@familylife.com!
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Help Online for Marraige and Family!!
There are hurting marriages and families everywhere—where you live and where we live here in Little Rock. How is God going to get them help and encouragement? One answer is FamilyLife eMentoring. Shawn and I first highlighted eMentoring in July of 2010 when it was first announced to the public. Since then, eMentoring has been reading more and more folks each month.What is “eMentoring”? While it’s not a counseling service, and no professional advice or services are offered, an eMentor takes a special interest in helping an eMentee develop as a person and as a believer. They’re a dependable listener and advisor who draws upon both the Word of God and personal experience to help the eMentee develop wisdom, stability, and dependence upon God. eMentors are sought based on a comprehensive list of qualities: spiritual and relational maturity, emotional stability, compassion, heart of prayer, trust in God, availability, teachability, transparency, humility, a desire to share Christ…and, of course, basic computer skills. They’re trained to pray online in written form, as well as in basic theology, evangelism, and how to disciple others and encourage personal spiritual growth. They are NOT counselors, but are equipped to offer Christ-centered solutions to life’s challenges and difficulties. In short, they are encouragers…showing others the way to seek God’s promise through His Son, Jesus Christ.
Take a few moments to check http://www.familylife.com/ementoring for more info. You can request help OR you can find out more about becoming a eMentor. We are in need or more folks to be trained as eMentors as the needs for help online continue to grow and grow each moth! And please put the enclosed eMentoring bookmark in your favorite book. Share eMentoring with others you know and use eMentoring when you are in need of some encouragement and help!
Actual Comments from folks being eMentored:
“I am a big, burly, Grizzly Adams type with better hygiene. Even so, I cried as I read your e-mail. I am so grateful that God is using you to speak encouragement to me. I thank you and I thank God for you.”
“Thank you for emailing me. I am SO grateful for this- thank you so very much! E-mentoring is just brilliant and a lifeline for mums like me who don’t have a whole lot of support.” [from a “mum” in England]
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Are You Living the 50/50 Plan in Your Marriage?
It’s an assumption that many men and women have in marriage: You do your part and I’ll do mine. You have your 50% to do and I have my 50% to do. That’s fair, right? But even though it may seem fair and logical, it is setting a husband and wife up for disappointment and conflict.
Why? The biggest problem with the 50/50 plan is that it is nearly impossible to figure out if your spouse has met your halfway because neither of you can agree on what “halfway” is. My view of what is “halfway for Shawn” is different that what she thinks is halfway and vice-versa.
The 50/50 plan is NOT God’s design for marriage. And it is destined to fail for several reasons: (1) Acceptance is based on performance, (2) Giving is based on merit, (3) Motivation for action is based on how each spouse feels, and (4) Each spouse has a tendency to focus on the weaknesses of the other.
So what is God’s Plan? Well, folks at FamilyLife call it the 100/100 plan—it requires 100% effort from each of you to serve your spouse. Living out Philippians 2:3, “Do nothing out of selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than yourselves.”
Dennis Rainey has written a great article on this subject entitled “Superglue Your Marriage”. Simply go to http://www.familylife.com/articles. Then search (top right corner) on “Superglue Your Marriage” to find the article or use this link:
http://www.familylife.com/site/apps/nlnet/content.aspx?c=dnJHKLNnFoG&b=3873535&ct=4639269¬oc=1
Why? The biggest problem with the 50/50 plan is that it is nearly impossible to figure out if your spouse has met your halfway because neither of you can agree on what “halfway” is. My view of what is “halfway for Shawn” is different that what she thinks is halfway and vice-versa.
The 50/50 plan is NOT God’s design for marriage. And it is destined to fail for several reasons: (1) Acceptance is based on performance, (2) Giving is based on merit, (3) Motivation for action is based on how each spouse feels, and (4) Each spouse has a tendency to focus on the weaknesses of the other.
So what is God’s Plan? Well, folks at FamilyLife call it the 100/100 plan—it requires 100% effort from each of you to serve your spouse. Living out Philippians 2:3, “Do nothing out of selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than yourselves.”
Dennis Rainey has written a great article on this subject entitled “Superglue Your Marriage”. Simply go to http://www.familylife.com/articles. Then search (top right corner) on “Superglue Your Marriage” to find the article or use this link:
http://www.familylife.com/site/apps/nlnet/content.aspx?c=dnJHKLNnFoG&b=3873535&ct=4639269¬oc=1
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Help for Every Married Couple!!
I read this "marriage note" from Dennis and Barbara Rainey on Thursday morning and decided that I should share it with those who follow our blog. It was a great reminder for me as I daily struggle with issues related to parenting our precious three not to mention other "challenges" we face on a daily basis. I hope it will encourage you today as well!!
It's a Matter of Who (and Whose) We Are
Most of our problems - marital and otherwise - can be summed up in two things:
(1) We forget who God is.
(2) We forget who we are in Christ.
When we lost sign of who God is and our identify as Christians, when we forget that we are children of the King, for whom nothing is impossible, we set ourselves up for failure in the very areas in which God has called us to succeed. This is particularly true in the home.
When God calls us to marriage and parenthood, He doesn't promise us that it will always be easy. What he does promise, however, is that He will strengthen us, help us, and uphold us through anything that comes our way. Speaking through the Old Testament prophet Isaiah, God lovingly tells His people, "You are My servant, I have chosen you and have not cast you away: Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand" (41:9-10)
Are you struggling with some difficulty in your home right now? If so, remember that you belong to the Creator of the universe, and that you belong to Him. Fear not!
Take Him at His Word...He promised to uphold you.
From the FamilyLife Marriage Bible, Dennis and Barbara Rainey, Thomas Nelson, Inc.
It's a Matter of Who (and Whose) We Are
Most of our problems - marital and otherwise - can be summed up in two things:
(1) We forget who God is.
(2) We forget who we are in Christ.
When we lost sign of who God is and our identify as Christians, when we forget that we are children of the King, for whom nothing is impossible, we set ourselves up for failure in the very areas in which God has called us to succeed. This is particularly true in the home.
When God calls us to marriage and parenthood, He doesn't promise us that it will always be easy. What he does promise, however, is that He will strengthen us, help us, and uphold us through anything that comes our way. Speaking through the Old Testament prophet Isaiah, God lovingly tells His people, "You are My servant, I have chosen you and have not cast you away: Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand" (41:9-10)
Are you struggling with some difficulty in your home right now? If so, remember that you belong to the Creator of the universe, and that you belong to Him. Fear not!
Take Him at His Word...He promised to uphold you.
From the FamilyLife Marriage Bible, Dennis and Barbara Rainey, Thomas Nelson, Inc.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Is Finding your "Soul Mate" Biblical?
Important note: All the FamilyLife staff were stunned and saddened by the loss of David Beasley, who died in an automobile accident. David was the husband of Sabrina Beasley, who worked as a writer and editor at FamilyLife for several years and is the author of many popular articles on our website. David was committed to Christ and to being a man of God. He and Sabrina enjoyed seven years of marriage and have two children: Benjamin, 2, and Katherine, 4 months.
A couple of years before his death, David wrote an e-mail about his concern over the cultural idea of finding a "soul mate" to marry. Following are David's words, used with Sabrina's permission. We run this to honor a man who, as his obituary said, "enjoyed life to the fullest, died without regrets, and longed to spread the message of Christ to the world."
Finding Your "Soul Mate"
by David Beasley
I don't believe that society's definition of "soul mate" is healthy or spiritual. It's great for the movies and Hallmark cards, but no one's marriage is like the romantic movies you've seen.
A good friend of ours is divorcing her husband because she bought into the lie that God wants us to "be happy" in marriage and that He would bless the idea that her happiness would be found when she was freed from her current spouse to find her one, true "soul mate." Like most other people, she has this fantastical, unreal notion that God brings together two lost hearts who experience true compatibility in all the deepest longings of their being. Most people think that your soul mate is someone with whom you never argue and spend endless days of hand-clinching romantic walks on the beach. No hardships, no struggles, just starry-eyed wonder for the next 80 years.
The truth is, a soul mate isn't someone you find, it's someone you intentionally and prayerfully become.
Anyone in a successful marriage can tell you that "success" in marriage doesn't come from finding that one person you were meant to be with. It only comes from giving up the selfish behavior that served you while you were single, and focusing on selflessly serving your spouse instead.
A happy marriage requires a completely different mindset than the 50/50 concept most couples enter into marriage with. The idea that "If I do my 50 percent and Sabrina does her 50 percent, we will have a happy marriage" is ridiculous. Sabrina and I are both imperfect people and we both make mistakes on a daily basis. One of us will always feel disgruntled, thinking that we are contributing more to the happiness of the relationship than the other.
The only way to have a happy marriage is if I take the selfish focus off of myself and put 100 percent of my energy into serving Sabrina and she does the same with me. If I am focused 100 percent on serving Sabrina, I don't even realize when my needs and desires aren't being met, because I'm not focused on my needs and desires, but hers.
Nowhere in the Bible does God say anything about soul mates. God gives us the simple details on how to have a great marriage: Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her. Wives, respect your husbands. Both of these are intentional acts of selfless sacrifice that will guarantee us to have a happy marriage.
Even better than that, God chose marriage to represent Christ's love for us. Even though we didn't deserve it, Christ loved us so much that He sacrificed Himself to die for us. Neither Sabrina nor I are perfect, but God has called us to live out the gospel every day by sacrificing for and loving each other, even though we don't deserve it.
The fact is, if Sabrina showed her love for me only when I did something to deserve it, I would be in big trouble. But Sabrina and I are very much in love. We have a great marriage. But nobody sees us 24/7/365. They only see our public face, not the thousands of times I've thrown a selfish temper tantrum because I didn't feel like her world was revolving around me enough.
Sabrina and I have a very real marriage. We disagree, we argue, and we get frustrated with each other. But even in those times, we work even harder at treating each other with love and respect.
Despite what eHarmony would have you to believe, we are not compatible in every way. There are many times when we have to make changes and personal sacrifices for each other. We're in love and are soul mates because we work at it.
Most people don't like the idea of having to work for a soul mate. But you will never speak with a happily married couple that will tell you that they haven't had to work hard for the happiness they have together.
© Copyright 2010 by Sabrina Beasley. All rights reserved.
http://www.familylife.com/site/apps/nlnet/content3.aspx?c=dnJHKLNnFoG&b=3842485&ct=8848535
A couple of years before his death, David wrote an e-mail about his concern over the cultural idea of finding a "soul mate" to marry. Following are David's words, used with Sabrina's permission. We run this to honor a man who, as his obituary said, "enjoyed life to the fullest, died without regrets, and longed to spread the message of Christ to the world."
Finding Your "Soul Mate"
by David Beasley
I don't believe that society's definition of "soul mate" is healthy or spiritual. It's great for the movies and Hallmark cards, but no one's marriage is like the romantic movies you've seen.
A good friend of ours is divorcing her husband because she bought into the lie that God wants us to "be happy" in marriage and that He would bless the idea that her happiness would be found when she was freed from her current spouse to find her one, true "soul mate." Like most other people, she has this fantastical, unreal notion that God brings together two lost hearts who experience true compatibility in all the deepest longings of their being. Most people think that your soul mate is someone with whom you never argue and spend endless days of hand-clinching romantic walks on the beach. No hardships, no struggles, just starry-eyed wonder for the next 80 years.
The truth is, a soul mate isn't someone you find, it's someone you intentionally and prayerfully become.
Anyone in a successful marriage can tell you that "success" in marriage doesn't come from finding that one person you were meant to be with. It only comes from giving up the selfish behavior that served you while you were single, and focusing on selflessly serving your spouse instead.
A happy marriage requires a completely different mindset than the 50/50 concept most couples enter into marriage with. The idea that "If I do my 50 percent and Sabrina does her 50 percent, we will have a happy marriage" is ridiculous. Sabrina and I are both imperfect people and we both make mistakes on a daily basis. One of us will always feel disgruntled, thinking that we are contributing more to the happiness of the relationship than the other.
The only way to have a happy marriage is if I take the selfish focus off of myself and put 100 percent of my energy into serving Sabrina and she does the same with me. If I am focused 100 percent on serving Sabrina, I don't even realize when my needs and desires aren't being met, because I'm not focused on my needs and desires, but hers.
Nowhere in the Bible does God say anything about soul mates. God gives us the simple details on how to have a great marriage: Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her. Wives, respect your husbands. Both of these are intentional acts of selfless sacrifice that will guarantee us to have a happy marriage.
Even better than that, God chose marriage to represent Christ's love for us. Even though we didn't deserve it, Christ loved us so much that He sacrificed Himself to die for us. Neither Sabrina nor I are perfect, but God has called us to live out the gospel every day by sacrificing for and loving each other, even though we don't deserve it.
The fact is, if Sabrina showed her love for me only when I did something to deserve it, I would be in big trouble. But Sabrina and I are very much in love. We have a great marriage. But nobody sees us 24/7/365. They only see our public face, not the thousands of times I've thrown a selfish temper tantrum because I didn't feel like her world was revolving around me enough.
Sabrina and I have a very real marriage. We disagree, we argue, and we get frustrated with each other. But even in those times, we work even harder at treating each other with love and respect.
Despite what eHarmony would have you to believe, we are not compatible in every way. There are many times when we have to make changes and personal sacrifices for each other. We're in love and are soul mates because we work at it.
Most people don't like the idea of having to work for a soul mate. But you will never speak with a happily married couple that will tell you that they haven't had to work hard for the happiness they have together.
© Copyright 2010 by Sabrina Beasley. All rights reserved.
http://www.familylife.com/site/apps/nlnet/content3.aspx?c=dnJHKLNnFoG&b=3842485&ct=8848535
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